The Greatest Gaming Kickstarter Of All Time

HOLY GOD GIVE THIS MAN ALL YOUR MONEY

ARE YOU JOKING ME? 

• $10 = One unpainted butt
• $20 = One prepainted butt
• $30 = FIVE UNPAINTED ASSAULT BUTTS

For real, that $20 pledge level is unlimited. This guy is going to really regret it when he has to paint 600 butts.

Also, this guy is only asking $350 for his campaign.

GET YOUR OWN FUCKING ASSAULT BUTTS RIGHT HERE

BONUS: BUTT PIRATE

Japanese Number Set Random Tables (With Bonus Goblins and Elementals)

I'm one of those romantic racists who think the Japanese are objectively smarter than us dumb white people. For this reason, I've been trying to get my hands on as many Japanese RPGs as possible, and I've really been enjoying what I've read. I thought I'd share a unique mechanic I've been seeing a lot of, a type of random table I've been calling Japanese number set random tables.

So lets say we want to make a random table of goblins, right? We want to generate a bunch of different goblin types. We could use a single dice, like a d6, or multiple dice like 2d6. The single dice offers an equal chance of any option on the table, while the multiple dice is weighted towards the middle of the chart. Japanese number set random tables use multiple dice but are closer to the first in terms of probability, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's a western style random goblin table:

D6 Goblin table
1...Blue (sad, not the color) goblin
2...Flirty goblin
3...Fat goblin
4..Nyan-goblin-kun
5... Splendorous goblin
6...Two goblins

This works, it's fine, no reason you couldn't make a goblin table like this and be happy with the results. But that limits you to the single dice available. I'm well aware that you can get some crazy sided dice online (who the hell needs a d7, tho?), but for the most part, your tables will have 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 or 20 results. You can get cute and do other things to your table, like multiple numbers keying to one entry to increase probability, but you're still using the same dice.

In Japan, nearly all RPGs use d6s, as getting other sizes of dice was difficult early on in the Japanese RPG industry, so most people are just used to only using d6s. So does that mean that J-RPGs all have the same western-style tables? NO, because the Japanese are smarter than us! Japanese tables use matched numbers instead of sums. A J-RPG 2d6 table does not have 11 results (2 through 12), instead it has 21 results, using number combinations instead of sums.

A Japanese 2d4 goblin table would look this this

1,1...Blue (sad, not the color) goblin
1,2...Flirty goblin
1,3...Fat goblin
1,4..Nyan-goblin
2,2... Splendorous goblin
2,3...Two goblins

ect up to

4,4...Wizard goblin

Note that one dice always corresponds to the first number, and a different dice for the second. Make them different colors or something, so that you know that green1+red2 is different from red1+green2.

Two dice tables using standard gaming dice can give you a lot bigger range of table sizes, with an equal probability of each result. I've made a little chart so it's easy for you bozos to follow!

2d4: 10 results (Probably just use a d10 I guess)

2d6: 21 results

2d8: 36 result

2d10: 55 results

2d12: 78 results

2d20: 210 results (Don't do this, that table is too big)

Neat, huh?

BONUS: 2d4 ELEMENTAL OR MEPHIT TABLE

Although it wouldn't have any real impact on the table, you could get cute and associate certain numbers with different attributes. If I wanted a table of D&D elementals or mephits, I might make a table like the one below. It isn't really any different than a normal table, but it's a cute way to design it. The numbers associated with elements determine the type of elemental: 1=fire, 2=water, 3=air, 4=earth

1,1: Fire

1,2: Steam

1,3: Smoke

1,4: Lava

2,2: Water

2,3: Ice

2,4: Ooze

3,3: Air

3,4: Dust

4,4: Earth

Partial Success Mechanics For Retro-D&D

I'm way bored of D&D's pass/fail mechanics. Every dice roll to determine success is a binary yes/no, and while this works fine, it's also missing out on a lot of opportunities for interesting stories. Here is what I mean:

D&D

Player: I want to kick in a door.

DM: Okay roll equal to or less than your STR on a d20.

Player: Okay I succeed. (Or: I failed)

DM: You kick the door in. (Or: You didn't kick the door down)

The very first game I saw that had partial success mechanics was the old, hella excellent sci-fi RPG Alternity. Alternity also used a roll-under a target number on a d20, but it segmented results into marginal success, good success, and amazing success. If you had a Kick Door skill of 12, then your character sheet would list it as 12/6/3, and rolls would work like this:

• 13-20: Failure
• 7-12: Marginal success
• 4-6: Good success
• 1-3: Amazing success

Your result is determined by which type of success you receive, with exact outcomes determined by the GM:

• Marginal success: It takes a couple kicks, and probably makes a lot of noise, but you get the door down. A success by definition, but nothing special.
• Good success: You kick the door down in one blow. Better than marginal success in a quantifiable way.
• Critical success: You kick the door down in one blow, and it doesn't even make any noise. Better than a good success in a quantifiable way.

Now, this is all fine and good, but I think the recently released Dungeon World does a better type of partial success vs full success mechanic. In DW, a partial success gives the player the option to chose from a list of negative modifiers to their success, to show that while it was a success, there was some cost. In DW, there is only partial successes and full successes. One example of this is the Fighter ability Bend Bars/Lift Gates. When a player make a partial success, they chose two options from the following list, while a full success lets them pick three. The list is:

• It doesn't take a very long time
• Nothing of value is damaged
• It doesn't make an inordinate amount of noise
• You can fix the thing again without a lot of effort

While certainly a lot of old school GMs aren't a fan of players choosing these sort of effects, it's still possible to hack a really simple partial success mechanic into D&D. 

SICK ASS HOME RULE TIME

Whenever you roll a roll-under attribute check, the goal is to roll as low as possible. The lower the roll, the better chance of landing in a better success category:

• Rolling equal to or less than one quarter of your attribute is a critical success. The action succeeds in such a way that there is an additional benefit to the player.
• Rolling equal to or less than one half of your attribute, but greater than one quarter of your attribute, is a success. The action succeeds as planned.
• Rolling equal to or less than your attribute, but greater than one half of your attribute, is a partial success. The action succeeds, but there is some cost or misfortune associated.
• Rolling greater than your attribute is a failure. The action does not succeed.

The GM should state if you round up or down before the game starts. Rounding down penalizes a player's chance of success by 5%, while rounding up gives a player a 5% bonus. Most grim, brutal fantasy D&D games will round down for added shittiness, while story oriented happy time D&D games will give the player a little break by letting them round up. I'll be assuming rounding up for the remainder of this post.

Oh, and, as per D&D standard, feel free to toss a situation bonus onto the roll. -5 being a substantial bonus (+25% success), +5 being a substantial penalty (-25% success)

Looks, maybe an example would help. Remember our friend trying to kick the door down? Let's say that he is a Fighter with a STR of 16. His success on a STR check are as follows:

• 17+: Failure: The door is still standing.
• 9-16: Partial success: The door is kick open, but perhaps it took a long time and nearby monsters are aware, or perhaps the door fell off it's hinges so it can't be spiked shut.
• 5-8: Success: The door is kicked open. It doesn't take too long, but isn't instantaneous  It isn't loud, but it isn't quiet either.
• 1-4: Critical success: The door splinters in one kick, granting surprise on the goblins on the other side.

Partial successes aren't meant to heavily penalize characters, simply add an interesting obstacle or set-back for the players to deal with. A partial success on kicking the door down shouldn't cause a sprained ankle and temporary DEX penalty, but might result in an axe handle being broken while trying to bash the door in. Personally I like to let players suggest their own penalties, although if I think I have a more fun one I will use my own. Here are some examples:

• Hauling a statue out of a hole: Statue damaged in process.
• Leaping over a ledge: Minor item dropped into pick.
• Negotiating with a fence: Item available, but at a mark-up or with additional costs
• Building a trap: Trap is built, but difficult to hide.
• Competing in a contest: Win the contest, but it causes bad blood among rivals.

A critical success should provide an interesting bonus. I'm one of those GMs who thing that bonuses should always be proportionally better than a penalty is, I would make critical successes pretty awesome. The level of "grit" vs heroism you have in your game might vary, and deciding how useful a critical success will be in your game will set the tone somewhat.

• Hauling a statue out of a hole: Proves much easier than expected, takes half the time.
• Leaping over a ledge: Perfect landing and hits the ground running. Can act again this round.
• Negotiating with a fence: Item available and available cheaply or with no strings attached
• Building a trap: Trap is built, easy to hide, and proves more deadly than expected
• Competing in a contest: Win the contest in a way that amazes the spectators. Congratulations all around. 

Oh, and since it will invariably come up: If you can't think of a partial or critical success result, it's really fine to just make it into a normal success. Or ask the players, they might have an interesting idea.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE MATH

It's obvious that roll-under attribute checks benefit characters with a higher attribute. You can easily determine your chance of success by multiplying your attribute by 5 to get your percentage chance to succeed. A character with lowly 3 has only a 15% chance, while an "average" attribute of 10 is a 50% chance, and a mighty 18 is a full 90% chance of success.

Now, a tiered success system has an additional benefit to characters with a high attribute. A character with an attribute of 18 critically succeeds 25% of the time, while an average attribute 10 has only a 15% chance of a critical success, and a character with an attribute of 4 or less only critically succeeds 5% of the time.

The other interesting thing about the math is that a character's success is a partial success half the time. This means that even a character with an 18 partially succeeds 45% of the time the attempt a check. I think this actually works okay, simply because I think minor set-backs or complications actually make the story more interesting, and besides, every time that 18 attribute character succeeds they are getting a full or better success half the time, or 45% chance on any given attribute check.

HOW TO HACK YOUR OWN SICK AS HOMERULE

Hey, maybe you hate doing math. How about equal to half or less is a critical success, while over than and up to equal to the attribute is a normal success? Our door kicking fighter's 16 STR is now

• 17+: Failure
• 9-16: Success
• 1-8: Critical success

Maybe you like letting players effect the narrative, as opposed to D&D's classic simulationist gameplay. How about taking a note from Dungeon World and instead of declaring the effect of a partial or critical success, you list a couple of options and let the players choose?

Hey, maybe you like playing miserable "dungeon fucking Vietnam" games and what everyone do be horrible (Level 0 DCC games!). How about removing critical successes but keeping partial successes?

• 17+: Failure
• 9-16: Partial success
• 1-8: Normal success

Want to make an even more miserable dungeon Vietnam game? Add a critical failure level by halving the failure tier. This makes characters with low attributes suffer disaster more often, while characters with a high attribute have only a small chance of a critical failure.

• 19-20: Critical failure
• 17-18: Failure
• 9-16: Partial success
• 1-8: Normal success

Bogleech Random Mutant Generation Table

I've been a huge fan of Bogleech.com's John W. for about a decade now, which should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog and also knows what Bogleech is (I expect this is probably, like, one person.) As Bogleech updates fairly infrequently, I sometimes go months and months without checking the site. This morning I discovered a rather charming mutant generation table, which I highly recommend for any game (all games should have mutants)

I AM A LINK PLEASE CLICK MY FACE

Oh and here is what a randomly generated mutant looks like. I rolled and got five mutations:

• One hand ends in boneless tendril-like digits, while the other is a single large bony claw (2 mutations)
• Cyclopean features: single "eye" is a raspberry-like clusters of tinier eyeballs.
• Giant external brain
• Body covered in octopus sucker

Gross!

Random FLAILSNAIL PC Generator

Here is a generator.

CLICK ME

I am convinced it is secretly a FLAILSNAIL PC generator. Behold!

Borb Barblug (Lvl 5 Half-orc Lumberjack)

Read Aloud: A strapping man with the half-breed features of an orc is flexing his muscles and cutting logs.

Notes: In his spare time, Borb runs a lumberjack website called Borb Barblug's Logblog. Until recently, he mostly complained about the cancellation of Arrested Development, but now he is sure the new season will suck and has gone back to talking about logs.

Jeff the Slime (Lvl 7 Slime Cop)

Read Aloud: A cop approaches you. You can't be sure, but it looks like he is made out of slime and has no arms or legs or head.

Notes: A civilized slime from the peaceful slime town, Jeff is exceedingly patient with prejudice against slimes. He is diligent at cop investigations, particularly those that involve sliding under doors, climbing walls and ceilings, and dissolving humans.

Bilbo Cosby (Lvl 10 Halfling Healer)

Read Aloud: A furry-footed runt brandishes a pudding and, in a warbling voice, addresses you as Rudy.

Notes: He considers himself to be a man of the science and a doctor of the healing, but his doctorate is in the education, with an honorary in the fine arts.

I'm Going To Make A Pokemon RPG, And It Will Not Be Stupid

Two things about me:

1. I don't really like Dungeons & Dragons very much.
2. I don't really like playing RPGs very much, but I do like designing them.

So I'm going to stop wasting time posting about D&D here and just making RPGs and board games, because I think that is more fun. I have a bunch of half finished projects I never got around to making, but first I need to do this Pokemon RPG that my brother asked me to make, based on a joke NaNoWriMo Pokemon fanfic novel I threated to write.

Fucking Pokemon, are you serious?

Well sort of. Here, I put this part in italics to make it seem more dramatic.

In a world where humans enslave other sentient races and make them fight each other for amusement, you'll play one of the last few free Pokemon  waging a war of terror on an unstoppable and monolithic force. Although a Kadabra or a Machoke is a tremendously powerful creature on its own, no Pokemon can hope to survive in a world of SWAT teams, combat drones and attack helicopters, and there are countless Pokemon loyalists supporting the human occupation as well. You'll bomb subways with duffel bags full of Voltorbs, assassinate officials, sabotage supply lines and free political dissidents both human and Pokemon. It's only a matter of time until the government finds you, but by the time they do, Kanto will be in flames!

It's a doujinshi game, which is a Japanese term for a fan made product for an established product. Usually it refers to fan made comic books or video games, but I think that the recent surge in fan made short form and one page RPGs made this a perfect time to make a Pokemon doujinshi RPG. I want to make something, like a little 12-15 page booklet, that is a fully playable game. Ideally it'll feel like playing one of Werewolf: the Apocalypse's Ratkin in a Shadowrun game with mechanics via Dungeon World. Who know how it'll work in practice, I haven't written it let alone play tested it!

Here's an early version of one of the playable Pokemon "classes." I didn't really bother with mechanics because I don't want to type up the core mechanics right now. One thing to note is that the book itself will include a summary of all of the pokedex entries for each playable Pokemon, and my personal take on how to incorporate a child's videogame character into a brutal and gritty terrorism RPG, the assumption of the game is that each player will come up with their own culture for the pokemon they are playing. I think it's more fun that way, but if you hate story games because you are a grumpy grognard, you can play it "as written" just fine using the setting info I'll provide.

KADABRA

Speed 3 Power 1 Skill 4 Stamina 2 Jump 2

Weakness: Bug, Ghost, Dark

Resistance: Fighting, Psychic

Abra are a patriarchal society of fiercely independent mystics. Due to their ability to read minds, their villages cover vast areas so that no Abra live close enough as to read each others minds during their private lives. Abra place great value on facial hair, and adults males take great care to maintain their luxurious mustaches  Leaders are called Alakazam, or "Respected Moustache". An Abra who has severed their ties to their community and taken up the mantle of a holy warrior is known as a Kad'Abra, or "Talisman Abra," after the spoon-like wands they bear. Although they are unable to disguise their inhuman forms, they are prized by Pokemon liberation cells for their ability to teleport and disable electronics.

Inherent Power: ALPHA WAVES Whenever a Kadabra uses a power, they release invisible alpha waves which disable all electronics in the same zone.

Inherent Weakness: TWISTED SPOON A Kadabra who loses his silver spoon is disgraced. Furthermore, all of their powers are at a penalty without the powerful psionic focusing talisman.

Powers (Begin with 2, +1/lvl) :

• CONFUSION: Even the mildest touch of psychic power on a human mind is damaging. One target in the same zone takes light Psychic damage, but you can Focus next round to make an attack using the target's characteristics and weapons. If used on another Pokemon, you can use any of their powers which you are aware of.
• PSYBEAM: A brilliant beam of coruscating energy fires from your talisman, dealing heavy Psychic damage to a target in this or an adjacent zone.
• PSYCHO CUT: A long blade of crackling psionic energy form in your hand, granting you a one-handed weapon. It is exceptionally accurate and deals light Psychic damage, and gains a damage and to-hit bonus on targets who have been already been effected by one of your powers this round.
• TELEPORT: Immediately move into any zone you can see, even if it would normally require an attribute test.
• READ MINDS: You can read the mind of any target you can see. You may ask the GM one question about that the target may know, which they must answer truthfully. On a partial success, chose one: The target is aware that their mind is being read and your current location; Psychic feedback disables this power until you have had a chance to meditate and regain your composure; The temperature drops noticeable, clocks begin to run backwards, or other haunted house phenomena begin in your zone
• RECOVER: Although Kadabra are lightly armored and frail, use of this power allows a Kadabra to  heal twice as fast during each rest due to impressive biokinetic control of their own body.

The WizGangs Carousing Table

College educated wizards study magic alone at their desks, with countless books arrayed before them, and tables of strange ingredients and apparatuses on hand for experimentation. Not so the rough and tumble street gangs of New Wizard City, who instead practice a sort of bohemian binge drinking. They meet in small groups in gambling halls and dirty bars to argue spell theory and engage in friendly spell contests in back alleys. Copious amounts of hard liquor, lung blackening imported cigarettes, dried toad pills, quicksilver and other narcotics are consumed, usually at the same time. Countless spellbooks have fallen prey to spilled beer, drunk fireball accidents, or being left behind while breaking into a college laboratory to a jar of owlbear droppings.

Whoah guys I think I'm high

(I liked Dungeon of Signs Scientist Carousing Table, so I used a similar format.)

CAROUSAL COEFFICIENT: At first level, your carousal number is 100. For each additional level, double this, so at second level your number is 200, at third it is 400, at fourth it is 800, and at fifth it is 1600. I'm going to reference this number below a few times, so it's abbreviated as CC.

HOW TO CAROUSE: Roll d6 and spend that amount times your Carousal Coefficient. You must spend at least this amount of money, and can chose to spend up to twice this amount. If you don't have the money because you rolled high, you're now in debt for twice the difference to the Sload Mafia.

Regardless of how much you spend, make a save versus poison. If you fail, you start the next game hung over and roll on the following table. You gain half the amount of money spent as XP. If you succeed, you still roll on the table, although you add the margin of success from your poison save to the d20 roll. You also gain XP equal to the amount of gold spent instead of halving it. You're still hung over the next morning.

1. Randomly select a gang Asset, which you burnt down, polymorphed into a rabbit, banished to hell, ect. It is gone, and everyone is mad at you.
2. Wake up face down in an alley, surrounded by scorch marks and dead hobos. A demonic, elemental or otherwise otherworldly entity has gotten lose in one of your gangs territories. Whoops!
3. Polymorph Other spiked punch. Wake up the next day in a new body: use the table from Reincarnate. 50% use Druid table, 50% use Magic-User table.
4. Spent all night talking trash about neighboring gang, and too many people overheard you. You can give d4 x CC in gifts to smooth things over, or diplomatic relations have taken a huge hit.
5. After three bottles of wine, volunteering yourself as a test subject seemed like a good idea. Gain a random mutation.
6. Dropped your spell book into a fireplace. One randomly selected spell is permanently lost.
7. Caught wearing a pointy hat by the municipal police. Pay d4 x CC in bribe money, your wands, rods and staves are confiscated, but at least they let you go.
8. Spent all night battling monstrous pink pachyderms; may or may not have been a hallucination. Start the next game with no spells memorized, and roll a d10 for each of your wands to see if they are out of charges.
9. You accidentally got stuck drinking with some plainclothes cops, who extort you to buy them more drugs. Pay half the amount of spent on carousing, or you are imprisoned.
10. As a joke, you bound a deceased soul into the smoke from your blunt. Unfortunately, you can't remember how you did it and now there is an odoriferous and vengeful ghost who refuses to leave you alone until you sheepishly pay a priest to Turn Undead.
11. Stumbled out of the bar without checking your pockets. You've lost one randomly selected container from your inventory, which was, of course, immediately snatched up and stolen.
12. While pontificating on your latest spell theories, you drew quite a crowd. However, you didn't realize they were only there to put their drinks on your tab. You cant carouse again until you pay d4 x CC to clear your tab.
13. Rumble with some cocky university wizards, but got the upper hand before you had to flee the cops. Lose one spell from each level you are able to cast as though you already used it, and lose d2 hp per level, which cannot reduce you below half hitpoints.
14. You got a new tattoo. At the start of your next session, roll an opposed Wisdom check versus the Charisma of the player to your left, and another for the player on your right. If the player on your left wins, they chose what the tattoo is, and if the player on your right wins, they chose where the tattoo is located. 25% chance the tattoo is animated, glows, burns or other such mystical properties.
15. It's amazing how a plastic baggy of dried frog can smooth other any problems. You swear eternal friendship with a rival organization of your choice, which while it will certainly be forgotten by Friday, means they will not make take hostile domain actions against you this session.
16. A down on his luck wizard trades you some of his research in exchange for covering his tab. Gain one randomly selected scroll.
17. Twelve fingers of scotch into your research, you smudge some runes and discover a variant spell. One randomly selected spell in your spell book is permanently modified in some small way, such as changing the damage type or changing the physical manifestation. The GM can veto the change if you try and be a bitch.
18. Down on his luck hedge wizard on his way to the pawn shop offers to sell you a page from his spellbook. It's a randomly selected spell from any Magic-User spells you could learn, and he'll sell it to you for cash equal to your Carousal Coefficient
19. Shady Chinamen motions you into an alley, and offers to sell you a Ancient Chinese Secrets. It's randomly selected from any Oriental Adventures spell list of a level you could learn, and counts as a Magic-User spell for you. It costs 2 x CC
20. A defrocked priest or urban druid drunkenly assumes your beard and pointed hat are religious accouterments, and offers to teach you a spell. It's randomly selected from the Cleric or Druid spell lists from any level of spell you could learn, and counts as a Magic-User spell for you. It costs 2 x CC.
21. Accidental mirror universe shenanigans. You now have a 50% mustache or goatee.
22. Epic bender. For the duration of the next session, every single character you meet already knows your name and basic background.
23. Befriend a disgruntled conjured monster while smoking in an alley. Randomly generate a creature from the highest level Monster Summoning table you could conceivably cast from, or Monster Summoning 1 if you are too low level to cast any. Only one monster ever appears, and it is automatically friendly, but will not necessarily work for free.
24. After morosely drinking with Conan-type, you both make a wish on a magical well and get Freaky Friday'd. You're now a Fighter with a level equal to your own, can rearrange attributes as necessary, and should reroll hitpoints. Effect lasts until you learn a valuable lesson.
25. You nostalgically mugged a rich townie, earning d6 x CC in cash and jewelry.
26. Broke into the university with some sultry wench/dusky lad. Had to run out when Iron Golem porter caught you, but snagged 1-3 randomly selected scrolls on way out.
27. You ate a minor magical item on a dare, as determine by the GM. It may or may not function as normal from your stomach, and most likely has some terrible side effects. God knows how you're going to dig it out, but you can keep it if you do.
28. Accidentally dropped alchemy ingredients or spell components into your cocktail, turning it into a powerful mutagen. At least its benign. Roll for a random mutation, but may chose between the mutation rolled, or either of the entries directly above or below it.
29. Wake up next morning with a minor wizard claiming that you took them on as an apprentice. They are 1-3 levels lower than you. Roll d4: 1- They are terrible at magic 2- They steal from you 3- Complete coward 4- They are secretly plotting your downfall
30. Created an ashtray golem while bored on smoke break (alternative: beer nut homonculous; floating stein; possessed vomit pile). Use rules as familiars, except it has a number of HD equal to half its master, always counts as active, and is not a familiar.
31. Impress everyone at five finger fillet, and your drinks get paid for all night. Regain the money you spent carousing. 25% chance lost one finger.
32. Near fatal overdose on frog pills permanently opens third eye. Can replace any memorized spell with Detect Magic at any time.
33. Enlarge spell cast on brain, unlike thousands of other attempts before, finally succeeds. Permanent +1 to randomly selected mental attribute.
34. Spent all night in wizard fight club after drunkenly swearing vengeance on high school gym teacher. Permanent +1 to randomly selected physical attribute.

Treasure Vault Of The Mike N Ikes

Long feared as boogies and kiddie snatchers, the darkling Mike N Ike gang was recently destroyed by a drug addled band of miscreants and mercenaries. Revealed to be nothing so much as a handful of mushromancers calling themselves Mycanoidists, they nonetheless guarded a small collection of strange magical items, now in the hands of New Wizard City's Copperhead gang.

FLAMETHROWER STAFF
A sturdy, if plain, wooden staff, decorated around the top and along the front with Celtic style abstract geometric carvings, and topped with deep red crystal orb held in place with silver clasps. Although the Mycanoidists were known more for spells dealing Fungal, Spore and Poison damage, this staff was created for the dual purpose of pruning their mushroom gardens and street fights. While it does not have a bayonet lug (deals 1-6 bludgeon, grants +1 AC while held two-handed) its wielder can cast any spell through the staff, which converts the cast spell instantly into a burning hands spell cast at the level of its bearer.


MYCANOID KING HEARTSTALK WAND +1A tapered spike, some 16 inches, and thicker than traditional wands. It is a fibrous grey-white material, sealed with transparent resin to keep it from decaying. Made from the core of a Mycanoid King, this wand functions as a standard battle wand, inflicting 2-5 Spore damage to targets and granting a +1 on to-hit rolls. The damage manifests as a small chunk of the victim growing a patch of grey slimy button mushrooms. Each attack with this wand essentially replicates the create food and water spell, as the mushrooms are heavy with water and nutritious despite their bland, earthy flavor. This wand is sturdier than most wands, and runs out of charges at the end of a combat when a 1 is rolled on a d12.

VERGIDRIS ROD +1 

A heavy brass rod, heavily corroded in the subterranean lair of the Mycanoidists. Although still enchanted to swing as light as a wand and hit like a warhammer (dealing 2-9 damage, and granting a +1 to-hit) it is fragile, breaking forever on a roll of 1.

GREATHELM OF MAGNIFICENT BEARDS This heavy iron pot helmet covers the entire head, and is heavily stylized to appear as a stout, heavily deformed dwarf, including two burly arms jutting from the side the way wings or horns would from most helms. Although it offers no more protection than a standard helmet, the helmet is enchanted so that on any night where it is left near a sleeping character, it will gently massage it's owner chin to encourage beard growth, apply ointments and conditioners (must be supplied by the owner) and groom and braid the beard. This process grants it's owner a truly magnificent beard, granting a +2 bonus on Charisma checks and generally favorable reactions from the beard obsessed, such as dwarves, wizards, pirate captains, and mountain men. If observed during this process, it will immediately cease to be animated, and lose its enchantment. It should be noted that this helmet cannot create squeeze a beard from a stone: elves and women gain no benefit. The animating spirit in the helmet is a lech, and the next morning it will often be found stuffed with its owners undergarments.

WEAPONIZED TOAD-NADO GRENADE A bloated, nearly spherical toad, mummified and wrapped in ensorcelled linen strips. It smells strongly of formaldehyde, dust, and potpourri. It explodes under pressure, such as when thrown, creating a 10' radius hazard of choking dust and swirling animate cloth ribbons which lasts for 5 minutes. Anyone in the effect must save versus poison and save versus wands each round. If a poison save is failed, the victim retched and shivers and is unable to move or cast spells. If three wand saves are failed - which do not need to be consecutive, although each failed save imposes a cumulative -1 penalty on additional wand saves - the victims body is frozen and sprouts mineral growths, causing death. These cursed victims freeze into ash-like statues, and the growths look like small spurs or thin leaves, usually draped with and tangled with the linen strips.

POTIONS OF SCABROUS GROWTH This oily, slime-like red fluid is concocted using rare fungus and queer, exotic spices. When ingested, the potion turns the imbibers blood into a thick sludge. Each time the character suffers damage, their AC increases by one point as the blood oozes out and solidifies in hideous growths. This effect lasts for one hour after drinking. Any character who gains +4 AC must immediately make a save against paralysis or lose one point of Dexterity as the blood congeals beneath the skin and in surrounding muscles, and an additional save for each additional point of armor gained. These sub dermal scabs will eventually deteriorate and re-absorbed by the body, although the process takes at least one year.

MUSHROGENERATION POTION These bottles of clear fluid are easily identified by the fat white mushroom floating in the bottle. After drinking, the character begins to heal their wounds. Each round flip a coin. Heads, heal 1 hp. Tails, heal 2 hp and the effect ends. Rarer, more potent versions heal 1-4 damage per round, the effect lasting until a 4 is rolled.

THE OOZE This thick viscous green liquid is a rare potion found only in sewers. No one is sure where the material originated, but drinking the potion immediately and without saving throw causes the drinker to fall unconscious for 1-4 hours, at which point they awake with a randomly determined mutation.

Monster Domain Rules Update: Financial Assets

Recently, the PC Copperhead gang in my Gangs Of New Wizard City FLAILSNAIL game took control of an illicit mushroom growing operation run by a rival game. One of the players asked about continuing to run it as a Financial Asset in the domain rules I wrote, which I've been mulling about for a while. You could make a whole complicated mercantile rule set with loans and supply and demand and customer satisfaction and quality of goods or whatever but fuuuuuck me if I want to do that. It would be easy enough to just assign a value like 500gp/session, or 5d20x10/session or something, which would make it incredibly simple, but doing so creates a strange disconnect from the game. As New Wizard City only award XP for gold instead of combat, this would move the game away from the heists and robberies I envisioned and into D&D Monopoly. It also runs into the problem of a business venture created at level 1 being dramatically less useful by level 3 due to the amount of XP needed to level up. So, how do you solve this?

Monster Domain Rules Update Version 1.01

Financial Assets grant a 1% increase in GP rewards each session per point. Thus a Financial Asset+5 is worth a 5% bonus to GP/XP each game session. These stack, of course, so a +3 Asset and a +2 Asset are equal to one +5 Asset, or +5% GP/session.

This solution allows Financial Assets to remain viable regardless of player character level. While valuable, they aren't going to be worth enough to disrupt the standard flow of gold in the game, but do provide a tangible benefit and encourages the Copperheads to run illegal gambling rings, brothels, protection rackets and speakeasies. It also adds another layer of tactical decision to the domain game in New Wizard City. As gangs can only control a finite amount of Assets based on their overall political power, controlling too many Financial Assets means less Muscle to protect them, less Informants to research enemies, and less specialists like Pyromancers and Diviners. At the same time, controlling a number of Financial Assets can increase the amount of gold earned, making leveling faster and increasing the amount of money the player's have to bribe officials, scribe spells, and construct magical items.

Normal D&D Games Who Are Not Using Monster Domain Rules

Uh do the same thing but don't use terms like Financial Asset +3 or whatever. Since the Monster Domain rules encourage attempting to control multiple Financial Assets which all add up, while most D&D games do not, you might want to just say that a successful business (adventure hooks about with that phrase, but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader!) is worth a flat +3% to GP gained through play.

How To Run A Randomly Generated Dungeon Like A Motherfucker

Sometimes you need a dungeon that aint a dungeon, Like a city sewer or the Lady's Maze or Under-Tyr or the the Underdark. It's gotta feel like a dungeon, but only a dumbass gonna map out like 12 square miles of that shit, yo. Don't worry, I'm gonna show you how, son!

Here we gooooooooooo

STEP ONE: MAKE YO TILES

Aight, get some scratch paper and draw some squares or hexes or whatevs. Pick a number based on your favorite polyhedral, because players are going to roll them crazy ass dice to generate tiles. Straight DOODLE some corridors and rooms and shit until you've got your tiles all done. If you did it right, it's gonna look this this ---------->

Man, you can even get hella complicated if you want. Draw that shit up tight.

Those arrows on top show which way is "up". I'll explain that later!

Anyway, you'll want to make two copies of this tile key - one for you, and one for your players.

STEP TWO: EXPLAIN TO YA PLAYAHS, PLAYAH

Here's some flava text!

AIGHT, homies. Y'all stuck chumps and STUCK IN THIS MAZE. Draw a 4x4 grid on your paper. Bottom left is Bitchville, population you. The princess or treasure or exit or dragon or whatever, that's up in the top right. Top right is fucking VIP only, and you gotta head that way through a fucking DUNGEON. Each time you exit a square you roll a dice and it generates a tile from this hand out. And guess what, playah? This straight PLAYER ENTITLEMENT up in here: you get to place that tile oriented however you want, so long as you connect all the corridors. Traveling through a tile takes one turn.

I give you permission to do some gangsta rewriting of that flava text. Like maybe you want a bigass maze and you make the grid 5x5, or maybe you straight tripping about hexes and your players gotta draw up a fucking hex grid (THAT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE). Maybe you want each tile to represent an hour of travel, because this maze is the Underdark. I don't give a shit, it's not like I'm there to tell you not to.

If you run run games online more than in person (so not errybody can see the same piece of paper) having one side marked with an arrow or something makes it easy for people to all draw the same map when they place tiles. Like, "Lets place this tile facing left" and everyone knows that left means the arrow is on the left.

STEP THREE: DO YOUR HOMEWORK LIKE YOUR MOMMA ALWAYS SAID

Look I aint gonna explain to you how to write up a random room table or a random encounter table. Just be all

FUCKIN ROOMS

1. Room with statues of hot bitches
2. Room with skulls and dead guys
3. Room with like some evil shrine or some shit

WANDERING GANKSQUAD

1. Goblin
2. Lots of goblins
3. Goblins + ogre bodyguard

The important thing is HAVE THIS SHIT MADE UP IN ADVANCE. Man, no one looks good just going UM UM UM all day. That's what horse's asses do. Know your wandering monster chance, have rules worked out for torches and rations, and have a bunch of content generators.

420 GET HIGH RANDOM DUNGEON ERRY DAY ERRY DAY

GiantDad

I made up GiantDad 10 minutes before a game yesterday, but I think he is a good monster. This version of GiantDad appeared in a very low level AD&D game. He should always be at least as strong as a "boss" fight, so please update the math if necessary.

Oddly enough I have a very close relationship with my father, I just think the angry dad archetype has some great mythic resonance.

GiantDad is your dad, but he is ten feet tall and super strong. He knows all of the bad things you've ever done, and your mother is really disappointed in you. Attempting to disbelieve GiantDad always fails, because GiantDad is very real. Everyone sees their own dad when they look at GiantDad, because he is your dad, not someone elses. GiantDad is very upset with you and he has a giant strong man body, while you have a puny little boy body. He won't let you complete your objective under any circumstance.

HD 5 AC 2 Mov 16

GiantDad makes one attack a turn, selected at random from the list below:

1. WIND-UP PUNCH This attack takes place at the beginning of the following combat round. He attacks at a +2 bonus, and deals 2-12 bludgeon damage.
2. HURL GiantDad grabs you and throws you bodily into one of your idiot friends. Roll two to-hit rolls. If the first attack succeeds you are grabbed and suffer 1-6 crushing damage. If the second roll is a hit, you and a second victim take another 1-6 bludgeon damage.
3. VERBAL ABUSE GiantDad unleashes a cone of verbal abuse 15' long. Those caught in the effect suffer 5 points of self-esteem damage.
4. THAT LOOK GiantDad fixes you with his withering gaze of disappointment, blasting your psyche with 1-4 points of self-esteem damage, and causing lasting mental anguish. Each subsequent round, the victim flips a coin. Heads, they take two damage, and must flip a coin the next round. Tails, they take one damage, but the effect ends.

State Of The Monster Address 3/8/2013

Every time I try and write something for my blog, I remember that Dark Souls exists and that I'd rather just play that instead.

If you're on PS3 and a handsome badass with a Black Knight Sword ganked you on the way to the Tomb of Artorias, well, you should have considered learning to parry?