First of all, full blown blog posts:
THE DREAMS OF LAMIA
by Paul Shaefer
by Paul Shaefer
Mythical lamia are cursed for eating their own children. Transformed into shark snake women. To get any respite from their torment, they must rip their own eyes out and swallow them to sleep.
A slumbering lamia casts fearsome illusions in a 60' radius. Save vs spell to resist. Effects last 1d6 rounds. Each victim rolls separately.
When awakened, the lamia spends 1d4 rounds regurgitating her eyes and replacing them in their scarred sockets.
- Your arms have no bones. Drop items as they writhe and flail about.
- Hunger compels you to do nothing but eat any food you have. If you don't have any, eat your companions' food. Or eat your companions.
- The sound of children screaming causes you to frantically search high and low everywhere to put a stop to it.
- Blood and sea silt are oozing from every orifice. You must find a way to stop it before you deflate like a bladder.
- That's no lamia. That's your mother. Or other significant NPC. It's been too long since you've shook their hand or embraced them. You should do so now.
- The gods are looking down upon you in disgust. Fall to the ground and grovel in their magnificent presence.
- What the hell did you eat!? Body racked by violent projectile vomiting.
- You have gone blind with insane rage. You try to tear your eyes out to see what's wrong with them!
Bollywood Mecha Weapon Table
- Vedas Lasers. Just like regular lasers but in sanskrit, they look extra cool.
- Mahabharata Laser. Devistating, but takes fooorveeeever to charge up.
- Mricchakatika Canon. Fires giant clay bullets.
- Satyajit Ray. Fires Bengal tigers.
- Laser Rakasha Claws. Claws, made of lasers.
- Marathi Sonic Canon. A gun that shoots sound.
- Parsi-Theater Illusion Generator. A disco-ball style weapon.
- Khalnayak Dirty Laser. A laser, but dirty. Somehow.
- Laser of Gardish Laser. A laser that causes nightmares.
- Yellow Magic Laser Laser. Is actually a cannon that shoots knives.
- Defusion Beam. Causes a mecha to split into hundreds of other smaller mecha, each with a tiny pilot. They dance.
- Kasoor Knife. A huge knife with a jagged edge.
- Banda Yeh Bindaas Hai Gun. A gun that fires out hundreds of guys called Vinny, each armed with a gun.
- Mahesh Laser. A morphing weapon that copies other weapons.
- Raaz-Drill. A spinning drill-like weapon that allows for burrowing.
- Bhatt Gun. It shoots out sharp mirrors that can also deflect lasers.
- Dhoom Gun. A gun that steals other guns, the higher-tech the better.
- Taj Mahal Teleporter. Teleports Taj Mahals.
- Ambika-Chucks. Like Nunchucks, but with music.
- Sagar Weapon. Smaller dancing mecha on a chain, can be swung for extra damage.
US Cities Re imagined As A Fantasy Realms (Containing Quite Possibly A Slight Against My Beloved Seattle)
by Teal Deer
by Teal Deer
- A rank swampland into which the city sinks slowly by inches every year. Rather than move, the people of this city attempt to prop up their buildings and pretend like nothing is wrong. Most of the kingdom's officials -- tax collectors, lawmakers, barristers, etc -- have been banished to this place, since no one wants them anywhere else. Filled with a plethora of ancient and crumbling laboratories and tombs filled with strange wonders, including the Red Castle, home to many strange relics of ages past.
- Long ago, the Lords of Summer and Winter were banished from this city, leaving it in a perpetual oscillation between spring and fall, with no other seasons between. A terrible Earth Dragon sleeps deep beneath the city, occasionally shaking the ground when it stirs in dreaming. The people of this city are very concerned with sacrificing to the gods of nature and progress, and often hold themselves to proscribed rituals. There is no single slum, but instead alternating pockets of prosperity and poverty.
- An island built on the bones of an ancient dead beast, over which thousands scurry like scavenging ants. An ancient pact with demons ensures that night never comes to this city; instead the sun shines lurid through pools at the center when it dips beneath the horizon. This light from below is channeled up through the buildings like liquid.
- There is no water in the city of glitter, merely dust and sand; every day a massive caravan comes over the horizon bearing water to the wealthy, while the poor scrabble in dirt. Home to a veritable army of sorcerer-kings, they weave strange and scintillating delights for all comers, conjuring up shimmering illusions of pasts, presents, and futures that never were for those with the coin to pay them.
- This city suffered the capricious wrath of an ancient storm god recently, and was thus destroyed by flood. While they are recovering, the city continues to suffer strange curses -- the hubris of a group of prospecting adventurers poisoned the harbor, and recently a festival suffered a strange event where every single torch in the city went out. They remain a jovial people though, fond of food and music.
- The roads of this city are laid out in a complex and unknowable geometry; streets seem to merge and appear out of nowhere only to sink into nothingness at a moment's notice . Roll under Wisdom to navigate. Despite the tangled nature of the streets, this place is home to some of the most esteemed institutions of learning and magical study in the world, with two of the most prosperous locked in a sometimes dangerous rivalry. Strange magical pranks abound.
- Everything in this city takes precisely 20 minutes to reach, regardless of how far away it actually is. Your next-door neighbor's house requires 20 minutes of travel, as do the city limits. The air is toxic to breathe; make a save vs poison every day. Failing means that you do not heal naturally. The city seems to be ruled by noblemen who don't actually do anything, and who claim that you, too, can join their ranks, if you only keep trying; the rest of the city is filled with hopefuls. The noblemen may or may not be vampires.
- It's only ever sunny one day of the year here, and that one day is a day of unearthly beauty. The rest of the time is spent in perpetual rain. The people of this city rely on a stimulating potion to make it through the day; vendors selling this drink are on every street corner
1d8 Ninja Scroll Wannabes SAND ABOMI-MEN-ATIONS
by some terrible jerk
by some terrible jerk
- Wibble is a sad sack, he's crying all the time - oh wait no, that poor bastard is leaking corrosive pus near constantly, that is awful.
- Wheezy has her lungs on the outside, she's gotta carry em around unless she wants them to drag in the sand. They are super leathery and tough thanks to all that sun, and while she can't take deep breaths she totally can ignore toxic or poisonous fumes.
- Scorp Shack is more or less a bag of skin and organs filled with scorpions. They scramble all about whenever he does pretty much everything, it looks terrible, they sting him constantly - sometimes he just throws a tantrum, rips open a path of skin and starts hurling them at people.
- Ooop would be a looker, with her smooth tanned skin and luxurious hair, if only all the fluids in her body hadn't boiled into stagnant air. Now she just kind of floats around, hoping not to bump into anything sharp. That would be ugly.
- Gore-Puke is a misnomer, he actually just kinds of spits it out in little viscera balls.
- Agaba is nuts, her open skull means her brains have fried like eggs. Poking at them will either restore her vast intellect or throw her into a berserk rage, no one really knows.
- Unfourtuno's insides are his outsides, which would be awful if he didn't secrete thick, sun-blocking mucous to coat his exposed organs. He shambles around, looking like a big dried up booger.
- No one wants to know what the hell happened to Jas, poor asshole is just one big scab. One big, pissed nigh-invulnerable sprinting scab
SIX NEW WACKY ARMORS
by Teal Deer
by Teal Deer
- 1. GUMMI ARMOR -- this soft and pliant armor is slightly sticky. not in that way you perv. this armor can be eaten in a pinch, but gives a 10% chance of sugar shock (it's some kind of poison idk) and a 30% of attracting giant ants when worn. it looks like motherfucking candy
- skin of the mad king -- this leather armor is creepy as hell and makes your skull look like a flaming pumpkin. you summon a swarm of crows on a critical hit
- giant pencil armor -- it's armor made of pencil shavings. bonus to actions involving writing or reading, and any edged weapons you carry are useless because pencils are better than swords duh.
- adorable kitten armor -- this quilted armor has a really cute pattern goddamn. opponents must make a save on the first time seeing you or lose an action to going awwww. armor is probably not made of actual kittens, we hope
- delicious tea armor -- tea is great and so is this armor. i don't know how it works. it's made of tea. magic.
- totally hilariously hideous armor -- this armor is forged from the laughter of dying babies, because dead babies are hilarious. everyone must save vs spell or suffer horrifying second hand embarrassment
I AM FLYING IN A DUNGEON PURSUED BY COMETS
aka Rules For Landspeedering In Dungeons
by Scrap Princess
by Scrap Princess
First you need to know how fast you are going.
flying at brisk walk is 1d1
human running speed is a d4
horse trotting (cantering maybe?) is a d6
fly spell is a d8
broomsticks/flying carpets is a d10
rocketized versions of these is a d12
something faster than that d14
but wait even more absurdly fast is a d20
as above but with sweet paint job d30
Each chase participant rolls their dice each round. Highest gets furtherest ahead.
You can choose to roll a dice any size smaller than you would normally.
YOu can also choose to roll a dice size one bigger than you would normally, but on the next round you have to roll one smaller.
Because every round the d.m is rolling an obstacle die. If your roll is higher than the d.ms you have bounced off or directly collided into something. You take damage = what the your die rolled and must make a dex check or come to a complete stop. You also take additional damage = how much you failed the dex check by. Modify this check by your size modifier (if any).
If you succeeded the dex check you are still in the race!
The size of the obstacle die depends on how much crap is the way. A typically sparse but with a few potential ghetto brakes , room is a d20.
Examples of this would a large dining room, a big cave with a few stalagmites, a village street on a quiet night.
and on the other end of the scale is a crowded market place or a dense jungle which is a d4.
The forests of endor would be a d12 . Wait which would make speeder bikes have a bout a 50/50 chance of crashing into something each round. I don't care.
OKAY RULE FOR LONGER RACES EVERYONE GETS TO ROLL TWICE AND CHOOSE WHAT RESULT THEY WANT TO USE AND THEY CAN CHOOSE AFTER THE OBSTACLE DIE IS ROLLED UNLESS VIEWING CONDITIONS ARE BAD
OR something. Whatever you get the idea
The next several pieces of content are all made by a college professor. This man is molding the minds of impressionable children!
First you need to roll a d6 to determine the quality of the titty-bar you've just stumbled into, you horny fuck:
d6 Strip Club Quality Modifier
1-3 Seedy; all the girls here are running low-grade fevers and have sweet track marks and c-section scars. -1
4-5 Mid-range; the girls here are attractive and at least good at pretending to be interested. +/- 0
6 Wait, Victoria's Secret models? Places like this don't really exist, do they?
+1 (but only if you are flush with cash; see below)
Next, determine the modifier you get based on your cash-at-hand:
*Your Wallet Swole, Kid? Modifier *
Nah nah, I got a couple bucks and an expired Subway stamp card. -3
My money's aight. +/- 0
I gots a flush roll in my pocket, yo. +3
I'm making it rain like a Saudi Oil Lord +5
You got game? Check your Charisma to see if that gives you a modifier as well:
Charisma Commentary Modifier
3 Mad gas on the grill, yo -3
4-5 Gas face -2
6-8 Whack -1
9-12 You bout it bout it +/- 0
13-15 Mack daddy +1
16-17 You da playa +2
18 The Pimpest +3
Okay, now add up all those modifiers and use the result to modify a roll on this table:
d12 Lap Dance Table
1 You wake up in an alley. One of your kidneys is missing. Wait, how did you get to Mexico?
2 Serious methface. Oh snap, she stole your wallet, kid!
3 Girl, when I say “back it up,” I mean “back it up offa me.”
4 Lazy, uninterested lap dance. You can't fap to this.
5 Damn it, the coke must have warn off because this dancer is tired and busted.
6 Eye contact, flirty whispers, it's all good. Sit back and enjoy, playa.
7 So much grinding. SO MUCH GRINDING.
8 She's shaking it like a Polaroid picture. Damn, that must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that.
9 It's all up in your face. Booty booty booty all over the place.
10 You in the champagne room. It's yo birthday.
11 I'm not saying you get a happy ending, but Chris Rock was wrong about that no sex in the champagne room thing.
12 The works. Not only do you get the lap dance of your life, but the girl leans over you and slips you a scrap of paper. No, it's not her phone number, it's a recipe for apple strudel. (See below.)
Recipe For Apple Strudel (Yes this was a request)
2 1/2 c. all-purpose flour (300g)
1/4 tsp. salt
2 T. plus 1 tsp. neutral oil (30 ml)
13 T. lukewarm water (200 ml)
7 T. butter (100 grams)
1 c. breadcrumbs (100 grams)
1/2 c. raisins (traditional, but optional)
4 T. rum (optional) or orange juice
6-8 c. chopped baking apples (5-6 large apples such as Gala or Granny Smith)
3/4 c. granulated sugar (150 grams)
1-2 tsp. lemon zest
4 T. lemon juice (about 1/2 large lemon)
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
Melted butter for brushing dough (almost a whole stick or 1/2 cup)
Powdered sugar for decoration
To make the dough: Place the flour in a bowl with the salt and add the water, then the oil. Stir with a spoon until it comes together and you can work it with your hands. Knead the dough until it is smooth and tacky, but not sticky, about 5 minutes. If you need to add more flour, only add it 1 teaspoon at a time. Form the dough into a smooth ball, brush it with a little oil and place it back in the bowl for 1 hour, room temperature. Covering the dough with plastic wrap is fine, too.
Make Filling I: Heat the butter in a pan until foaming and add the breadcrumbs. Toast them, stirring constantly, until they are medium brown. Let cool.
Make Filling II: Soak the raisins in the rum (or orange juice). You can heat them for 30 seconds in the microwave and then soak them until you are ready for them. Peel, core and chop the apples into small pieces. Add the sugar, lemon juice, lemon zest, raisins and cinnamon and mix well.
Roll out the dough on a lightly floured board to about 9 inches by 13 inches. Lightly flour a clean towel with no nap, place it over the dough, grab both (towel and dough) and flip over. Straighten both, as necessary. Using your hands, gently stretch the dough thinner on all sides, working your way around the sheet of dough. Stretch it until it starts to look translucent in spots. Let it rest a minute and stretch the areas you think are too thick, again. Thick edges can't be avoided and will be cut off. Brush dough with melted butter.
Spread the breadcrumbs over 2/3 of the dough and pat down evenly. Drain the apples and spread them over the other 1/3 of the dough. Cut off any thick edges of dough with kitchen shears. Using the towel, fold one side of the dough over the filling. Brush exposed dough with melted butter. Fold in ends of dough like an envelope (or burrito). Fold other side of dough up and over filling to form a roll. Brush with butter. Use towel to maneuver strudel to baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Roll strudel onto parchment paper so that the seam-side is down. Brush with melted butter.
Bake at 400°F for 20 minutes and then at 350°F for 40-60 minutes longer. Remove from oven, brush top with melted butter and sprinkle with powdered sugar while still warm. Transfer to a serving platter with a large spatula (or two). Cut into 1 1/2 inch wide slices with a bread knife or serrated knife and serve with your choice:
Vanilla ice cream
d12 Goth Chick Table
- A tragic and pale woman straight out of Poe. She only dates dee-jays tho. Are you a DJ? If not, better buy yourself a bunch of Combichrist and Suicide Commando CDs and get yourself a club night somewhere.
- Looks hot in the club, but if you start dating her you will discover that she's only goth on the weekends. You will be disappointed. She will make you watch Friends like a normal chick would.
- Oh yeah, this one's a raven-haired hottie, but the only way you're going home with her is if you offer her some white powder. Lucky for you, she's not a connoisseur...so just put some cake flour in a baggy and get ready to roll.
- Oh yeeeaaah, the slutty one. You are talking to the slutty one. Yessssssssss. When you get her back to your place she will tell you that she's taken a vow of celibacy. Sucka.
- Over-enthusiastic perkygoth. You better be in for the long-haul because it's going to take months to ditch her.
- These are goths, you know, and sometimes it's hard to tell. That's not a goth chick you've been chatting up, that's a goth boy. Still hot tho. Your call.
- They always say the crazy ones are crazy good in bed right? This one is crazy in the club, taking her top of, rolling around on the dance floor, yelling incoherently about her parents, etc. If you take her home she will either light your place on fire or steal your wallet. 50% chance of each.
- This chubby-bat is a big Marilyn Manson fan. Are you prepared to listen to that much Marilyn Manson? Well, are ya, punk?
- This corsetted beauty belongs to some “royal family” at Pensic or some shit. You're going to have to get into boffer weapons and LARP to score here.
- This red-headed temptress is the hottest girl in the club. Turns out she's fourteen tho. Best leave her alone unless you want Chris Hanson to tell you to “take a seat.”
- This towering, neon-haired cybergoth Valkyrie is receptive to the jams you're kickin'. However, it's going to take her 1d4 hours to take off her boots when you go back to her place.
- This waif tells you that she's a druid or some shit. Be prepared to go camping if you want to get into those panties. Also, there is a 50% chance she doesn't shower or use deodorant.
I requested this one!
The Scariest Monster Ever
A Failureganger is an exact duplicate of yourself who has come back from the future to tell you about all the myriad ways you end-up failing at life. That relationship you thought was THE ONE? Your Failureganger is here to tell you that she bangs your best friend and give you the clap. That job that was going to be your ascension to the top of your field? The Failureganger is going to tell you how the company went bankrupt, took your career with it down the toilet, and how you're flipping burgers in a paper hat for minimum wage. Your parents? You're going to find out you were adopted and they hated and resented you the whole time. Good luck with that.
If you attack the Failureganger, it doesn't fight back per se. It goes full defense, but while defending itself it keeps telling you about the various ways you've fucked up your life. These words cause despair damage—which can't be healed by any known means. Deepak Chopra and Dr. Phil can't even help you, son.
The worst part: your Failureganger is you from one year in the future. Your life is going to hell fast.
Move: 120' (40') AC: 11 HD: 7+11 Attacks: 1 (Auto hits you if you can hear it) Dam: 2d20 (recitation of your failures) Mor: 12
Also people are people and so a lot of butts and poop happened.
Rules For Pooping During Adventures
What's the probability that a character needs to take a shit while on a dungeon crawl?
67% I know this from spelunking a lot.
What are the rules for undoing pants, armor, robe, etc., without getting shit on yourself?
roll under wisdom, fail and roll under dex, fail and roll under cha, fail and move at speed away from the party.
While you are shitting:
roll a d20
1-20: Everyone in the party is talking about you, you are gross and they're all going to feed you to the next monster they see.
Rules For Pooping During Adventures (Addendum)
1-4 poop happens
5-6 Nah it was just farts
As flesh golem, but advanced with 8 HD. Any cold damage done to the Golem results in 40 ft. radius of grease (equal to the spell in all other aspects, except it isn't magic but(t) gross diarrhea). If Flesh to Stone is cast upon the golem, it will expel stonified poops and make 5 ranged attacks at +13 (1d10+5 damage). The BUTT GOLEM is immune to all other magicks.
Every time the butt golem is hit, there's a 20% chance of it produces a 6 HD poop golem.
A butt golem is created by stitching the butts of several huge creatures together (usually giants), at least 85 meters of intestines need to be connected inside of the golem. In this labyrinthine mess a portal is to be opened by the creator, to indeed, the Quasielemental Plane of Shit.
Finally, I myself received three requests, which I will attempt to complete in the next few days.
- "a Samurai class that rules the school."
- An essay about unicorns in mythology
- A racial character class based on "the awesome sexy punk girl zombie from Return of the Living Dead III"
- "ALSO A MONSTER THAT'S A GIANT UNDEAD SNAKE"