The Top Five Gamable Things From "Your Dungeon Is Suck"

If you like calling people a faggot, but think 4chan is too popular, then boy do I have a new blog for you to follow!

It's called YOUR DUNGEON IS SUCK and consists of seemingly meaningless rambles about how much the author hates Grognardia. Now hey, Grognardia isn't my favorite game blog, but I don't know if I really think it deserves the ever so clever "Cocktardia" epitaph. The author, Chris Roberts (?), seems to have some real powerful unresolved emotions about the Dwimmermount Kickstarter. Like, damn, James sure is being a shit for not communicating with people who gave him money, but, unlike Chris, by the end of this sentence I feel like I've already exhausted the topic.

Anyway, while YDIS is roundly mocked by anyone above a seventh grade reading level, I think y'all are missing out on some really interesting content if you just wade through the sea of puerile humor to get to it. To save you from having to read the blog yourself, here are the top five gamable things I found on this loose butthole of a blog.

Anthropomorphic representation of YDIS

"Gunther Arneson might be some kind of cousin or something to legendary D&D inventor Dave Arneson. They share the same last name, so that’s promising. He’s also an enigma, like a walking Deck of Many Things. We look to Gunther to share fond family memories from the dawn of the hobby, which he communicates via a wholly unique vocabulary of hoots and whistles."

Gunther Arneson, animate humanoid Deck Of Many Things, communicating entire through hoots and whistles sounds like a terrifying monster for any dungeon. It shambles around, dropping cards left and right, proffering its hand to adventurers in an attempt to get them to draw a card from its body. When they refuse to do so (it is a terrifying abomination, after all) it attacks by vomiting up heaps of cards that fly out and stick to people's foreheads Indian Poker style, forcing them to draw. Awesome.

• 4 ghosts play ghost poker around a spectral table wreathed in wisps of ectoplasm, while faint sounds of the haunt (moans, ghostly armpit farts) echo at the edge of hearing; they pantomime a portentous bicker over a shimmering trove of 3 c.p., though this fortune is as ghostly as the ghosts and worth nothing (can’t be touched because ghost-copper)

Why are the ghosts so lewd? Why are they pantomiming an argument over a mere 3 copper? Is it some kind of ghost joke to torture penny-pinching adventurers? It's such a pointless and inane encounter, I just love it.

New NPC class – The Bastard

Vile spawn of wanton seed spilled amid careless loins, Bastards are a callous mockery of all that is wholesome, correct, and holy in the world of Dwimmermount. Unmistakably swart of skin, this darkened sub-race is quasi-sorcerific in nature, as any dweomer able to provoke passions beyond the sacred bonds of matrimony is undoubtedly infernal in nature.

Requirements: INT 9 or less, CHA 5 or less

Alignment: Bastards may be Neutral or Chaotic; regardless of their declared alignment, Bastards are treated as evil for the purposes of Detect Evil, Protection from Evil, and any similar spells or abilities designed to unmask or thwart perfidy.

Max Level: Effectively unlimited within any progressive welfare state that condones their existence.

Weaknesses: Suffer 1d6 damage from holy water; cannot be reincarnated or resurrected because they have no souls.

lvl. title HD special Bastard ability

1 Mudblood 1d4 pestilential trait

2 Octoroon 2d4 speak any alignment language

3 Fuck Fail 3d4 thief skills

4 Decepticon 4d4

5 Papal Bane 5d4 confuse Clerics/Paladins

6 Despicablix 6d4

7 Devil Kin 7d4 spell use

8 Loki 8d4

9 Bastard 9d4 turn Clerics/Paladins; establish bastard sewer city

10+ +1hp/level

Pestilential Trait: Roll 1d6 when creating character, 1) exudes putrid stench of brimstone, 2) provokes hysterical reaction among domesticated animals, 3) curdles milk/sours wine within 25′, 4) Ginger, 5) skin translucent when viewed under moonlight, 6) goat horn nubs, webbed digits, post-18^th century progressive values, vestigial scorpion tail, lazy eye, Irish brogue, or similarly repellent deformity.

Speak Any Alignment Language: Bastards gain the ability to speak any alignment language at 2^ndlevel, because they are very tricksy beings and cannot be trusted, not unlike Women who are allowed to vote or own property.

Thief Skills: At 3^rd Level, Bastards gain thief skills as a thief of equal level, the better to commit crimes against the wholesome God-fearing portion of society that must never forgive the transgressive nature of their origin.

Confuse Clerics/Paladins: Cause Confusion (per spell) in Lawful Clerics/Paladins 3x/day. This is often used in one-on-one social situations to induce victims to commit non-normative sex acts, which is why we have all these priest problems in real life. Used in the heat of battle, victims will forget to cast spells, behave aimlessly, endanger allies through inaction, or touch themselves inappropriately.

Spell Use: At 7^th Level, Bastards gain the ability to cast spells from a limited list. Levels/spells per day are as a Cleric of the same level. Bastards may use the evil form of any reversible Cleric spell. They may also cast spells from this unique list – all are 1^st level spells, effects are self-explanatory: Cause Abortion, Invisible to Those of Righteous Bearing, Uncomfortable Conversation, Ruin Children’s Movie, Summon Homosexual, Dissolve Matrimony, Talk Like the Blacks, Reveal Sex Organs, Progressive Democracy, Cause Mopery.

Turn Clerics/Paladins: Turn Clerics and Paladins as a Cleric of equal level turns undead.

[Notes to Tavis: Add mechanic to allow experience point gain for siring additional Bastards.More of my thoughts here, for artwork inspiration, etc. -- JM.]

This is a perfectly reasonable character class if you ever wanted to use D&D rules in the Warhammer setting. For all I know this might actually match Warhammer cannon, it certainly seems to fit in.

Here are stats for Uni: Init +2; Atk buttplug horn -4 melee (1d3-3); AC 12; HD 1d4+1; MV 40′; Act 1d20; SP make everyone’s ears bleed (DC20 Will); SV Fort -4, Ref +2, Will +0; AL Lawful Retarded; XP 100,000.

Okay well I guess I understand why everyone wanted to kill Uni in the cartoon now. Motherfucker is just juicy with EPs, yo.


"..."


Well, after spending the last hour reading the entirety of YDIS (I began to skim a little after the 300th post about how James Mal is awful) I actually only found three things that amused me. I just threw in the Uni stats because I already typed "Top Five" into this post title, and you know what? I have fucking integrity.