Let's establish some things here.
First of all, look at this sword.
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Look at this sword.
Look at this gun.
Look at this gun.
Now look at this wand.
OF COURSE this is a boring wand, you ass. These are cool wands.
These are pimp wands. These are wands that a motherfucker would use. I mean come on, the wand of Orcus up there looks like you could break bones with it.
Other possible ideas for rad wands: Icicle that never melts cut from the top of the highest mountain in the world; fossilized dragon dong; a whole, mummified pixie; a rune-encrusted cyclops femur; a stirge beak; a unicorn's horn (bonus if bloody from being ripped out); a wand that is a miniature arm gripping an even tinier wand
Here are other my top three reasons that wands rule
3. WANDS ARE PHALLIC
Look, I know wizards can probably belch fire out of their dicks, but lets be honest here, if you kill Morgetron the Black, Scourge of the West by shooting him with dick fire, no one is going to take you very seriously. Thus, you use a phallus shaped item to kill him with. You could go with a staff or a rod, but then people are going to wonder if you are overcompensating. With wands, it's still totally a dick and everyone looking at it knows it, but it's not, like, in your face about it, you know?
2. WANDS ARE ACCUSATORY FINGERS
Pointing at a dude and then he dies is a pretty sweet thing for a wizard to do. A wand just amplifies that with bonus pointingness. There is a right side of a wand to be on, and a wrong side of a wand to be on, and jabbing it at someone is you emphatically showing someone that they are on the Wrong Side. When you wand a guy, you're pointing at him and saying "Fuck you! Fuck you to death!", only instead of using words you are shooting a lightning bolt.
1. WANDS ARE WIZARD GUNS
Bang bang, magic missile to the brain. That's like the coolest thing ever.
Sorry man, but I want to throw your "way cool" sword and gun out a window. Those boring ones look utilitarian and functional and brutal to me. There's a certain degree of stylization which I think looks nifty, but the way cool ones have gone waaaay past it.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think your taste in wands is much better. It strikes me that Zak's comments about kinematics are somewhat on point, though - all of those would look cooler to me held vertically - gripped like a spear or sword hilt - rather than pointed, laser-pointer-like, at your soon-to-be-zappenated foe.
Why wouldn't you hold a wand vertically anyway? I always imagined they functioned like dog ball launchers, not laser pointers.
DeleteSort of a fishing-rod type motion? OK, I gotcha. When I say vertically, though, I mean like you're holding a spear haft. Almost like you're punching, but holding something in your hand while doing so.
DeleteStupid nitpick:
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that silver thing with the pointing hand is actually a yad:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yad
On a more scatological note:
The corpolites previously excreted by extinct, pre-human deities make very effective wands when employed in distasteful ritual practices.
This post is great.
ReplyDeleteHey I was for wands in that post. So 261 comments in the nay, is FALSE. And some of those wands you pictured have crystals on them. The tongue wand rules though. Also when are you going to do that unicorn post?
ReplyDeleteConsider me converted.
ReplyDelete