How to turn Black Crusade into Paranoia: A retrospective

Normally I stay away from doing actual play reports, but this Sunday I ran a game that I just couldn't help by share. I ran the classic Paranoia module "Stealth Train", while redressing it as, and using the rules from, Black Crusade game.

A standard low level player character

Now, for me, Warhammer 40k really sings when you don't take it seriously, and you embrace the 80s album coveredness of the setting, and Chaos especially. I mean, really, listen to this:


Space Marines are boring and are for 12 year olds. Chaos is fucking rad as hell. I know I've said this like a million times, but Chaos lets you field a gun that blows up tanks with rock and roll. Other rad things Chaos provides: haunted suits of armor with machine guns that shoot magic. Marines who caught a virus that makes them meld with weapons and armor so they stuck a bunch of energy weapons in them and called it a day. A crab tank that doesn't have a driver since it's being piloted just fine by the daemon trapped inside. A spell that lets you move the enemy pretty much wherever you want to, usually into range. A guy who, if killed, will be reborn as his killer transforms into him, and all that's left of the killer is a screaming soul trapped forever in the armor. Dreadnoughts that are so insane and so consumed with the urge to kill they occasionally just lose it altogether and charge into combat with the nearest unit, friend or foe. An axe that fills you with such uncontrollable bloodlust you you are able to get up to 12 more attacks but is so powerful and so dangerous to use it's possible, and easy if you're unlucky, that it will kill you.


And there's a lot more than that.

And whats the best way to crank 40k's craziness right through the roof?

That's right, Paranoia, the classic game of panic, madness, blame shifting, and constant savage backstabbing. What could possibly go wrong? (Nothing could go wrong, it's an awesome idea.) You would end up with a Brazil like bureaucracy run by people with names like Screamface or Deathmurder, where the characters' boss is literally a demon, and entire planets work nine to five jobs in service of the ruinous powers. Hell, if nothing else, I was looking forward to seeing Paranoia's high mortality rate combined with Black Crusade's delightful critical hit tables for just mountains of gore. To maintain Paranoia's theme of misinformation, I informed my players we were playing a regular Black Crusade game. While many of you may be thinking this was kind of a dick move, those of you out there who have played Paranoia are nodding sagely and thinking about the time you set out blue pens on the game table.

The game started off on a bad foot, with all three players openly admitting they didn't know the rules, and one of them didn't even finish spending his characters starting experience, and was thus playing a Sorcerer that didn't know any spells. To make matters worse, I had left my adventures notes at home, so I was going to have to re-paint a Paranoia module as Warhammer 40k while running it straight from a .pdf on my laptop. Regardless, mimosas were poured, and we started the game.

Despite all of the obstacles, the game ran swimmingly. I'll provide a rough adventure synopsis, my notes on what I did to convert it, and how my players reacted. For reference, the three players will be refered to as the Heretek, the Sorcerer and the Renegade. The game takes place in a massive warship of the Chaos fleets called "The Victorious Hemorrhage" which is roughly the size of the US eastern seaboard.

THE BRIEFING

As written: Players are informed they will be on guard duty for something called the All-Aspect Unobservable Multi-Car Mass Transit System. They need to report to a particular subway station in twenty minutes.

I ran it: I had originally planned on replacing the titular Stealth Train with a demon possessed tank that had the psychic ability to hide its location, but as I was reading the intro paragraph and trying to 40k-ify it as I went, I flubbed and just said "All-Aspect Unobservable Multi-Car Mass Transit System." I didn't want to call attention to my mistake -and thus cause them to actually think very hard about what I was saying and figure out that I had said "invisible train" in so many words- I just went with it.

My players reacted with: Curiously enough, the Heretek immediately assumed the entire thing was a suicide mission, but they went along with it anyway

THE COMMUTE

As written: The players show up only to find that the door they need to get through not only has a guard stationed there, but countless signs warning that the station is out of order, about to collapse, full of radiation, etc. Even after the pass the guard and the door, the elevator is barely functional, and all of the buttons have been written over with different numbers.

I ran it: Exactly as written, although I described the soldier as being a chaos soldier picking his teeth with a chaindagger.

My players: Seemed to have little regard for the warning signs, and very little respect for authority. When they did not have the proper paperwork to get past the guard, they refused the guard's suggestion of a bribe and the Renegade shot him in the gut. One critical hit later and they were on the elevator and down to the platform while the guard lay smoking on the ground.

THE HAND OFF

As written: The players show up at the platform and meet Deborah's Defenders, the security team watching the train on the prior security shift. The train is, of course, not present.

I ran it: Exactly as written, although I continued to file off the Paranoia terminology and replace it with 40k terms.

My players: Were browbeaten by security team delta into signing a paper stating that they were not in possession of the stealth train, and took full responsibility for it. The players get bored of standing around doing nothing, and go to another floor on the elevator, which appears to contain an eldritch, Cthulhu-type horror, which they leave alone. Attempting to convince NPCs to go to "the other floor 8" becomes a running gag for the players trying to get rid of annoying NPCs.

THE TEST RUN

As written: R&D calls in and wants some last minute tests run on the train. Something like "Okay, first enter the engine car through the open archway and verify turbine functionality. Pull the leftmost lever to the notch at the halfway position. The turbine RPG gauge should now read about 12,000: what does it say? Good. On the power output dial next to it, what does that one read? No, the other one. Really? Uh... okay. Now move the turbine levers to the notch at 3/4. RPMs? And power output? Uh, very good. Now set it all the way to 100%." Obviously, the players do not have a train to run tests on.

I ran it: Exactly as written. Like, literally I just read the section out of the book.

My players: The Heretek stepped up on this one and bullshitted through the whole thing. The test was passed with flying colors.

A TRAIN ARRIVES

As written: An incredibly noisy coal train shows up, spewing smoke all over and generally being as unstealthy as possible. The people driving it are Andrea's Avengers, who apologize for being late, ask the players to "be cool about it," and leave.

I ran it: I slapped a bunch of demon faces on the train, and called them security team Alpha.

My players: The players have, by this point, concluded that the whole thing was some sort of snaffu of the Chaos military industrial complex. They did not seem to think twice about security team Alpha, and just let them leave without any questions. They did do a quick walk through of the train and discovered that none of the things they checked out for R&D matched up, and thus this was definitely not the right train, but felt that it was still best to continue guarding it until their shift was up.

SECURITY ARRIVES

As written: The elevator dings, and a squad of security troops pile out guns aimed at the players. Once they realize that the train is still intact (thinking the train is the right one) they apologize, explain that the person from R&D was actually a traitor trying to walk them through the self destruct sequence. When they discover the player did NOT blow up the train, they demand en explanation as to why they disobeyed direct orders.

I ran it: The saboteur was an Inquisitorial agent, the soldiers were Chaos heretics, and everything else was pretty much the same.

My players: The Heretek managed to convince the soldiers that he DID follow the self destruct sequence all the way through, but new what was happening, and so he deactivated it afterwards.

PROTESTS, TV CREWS AND BLOODBATHS

As written: A crowd of civilians protesting the flavor change of a potato chip somehow accidentally were assigned to this train platform for their scheduled protest. At the same time, a TV crew shows up to film a presentation on the stealth train. Somehow the players need to help film the presentation, while keeping a crowd from interfering, and then get everyone to leave as soon as possible.

I ran it: Straight. The civilians were protesting rationing on the warship, but the TV crew was still there to make a presentation on the stealth train.

My players: Immediately resorted to using the quad-barrel flamethrower mounted on the back of the train that I mentioned as a joke. The survivors were mopped up with long-las and bolter fires, and the charred bodies carried into the train and stuffed inside of the coal furnace.

A REPLACEMENT TEAM ARRIVES; ALSO ELDAR

As written: The head of security arrives with a team of troubleshooters to replace the players, who are clearly incompetent. However, there is a power outage, and the replacement troubleshooters all turn out to be commie mutant traitors who kill the head of security, and then trying to steal or blow up the train (depending on the traitorous troubleshooter)

I ran it: Straight. I just changed Paranoia's secret societies to various 40k factions. This was also the point in the game I had the intercoms begin giving period messages about Eldar pirates dropping out of warpspace and attacking the ship. As this and other scenes progressed, so do did the danger of the Eldar, who eventually took over the ship.

My players: The Sorcerer actually tried to kill the security chief during the power outage himself. When the lights came back up, the players hunted down and killed the traitors trying to interfere with the train, but failed to stop them before a bomb was set, destroying the coal furnace car on the train. As the quad-barrel flamethrower was on the caboose, the players deemed this an acceptable loss. Upon hearing that Eldar had taken over the ship, and were going to give people "Five hours of sleep, a single meal a day, and a life time slaving for the war efforts of Cammoragh!" the Renegade shrugged and said "Five hours is better than we get now." The Heretek at this point began openly discussing stealing a space ship and fleeing to escape the Eldar.

EVERYTHING GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL

As written: There are several more encounters to Stealth Train, but we were running low on time so I had them all happen at once. First, an ordinary subway train shows up and discharges thirty or so civilians, who are confused because they are on the wrong station, and also that the station has a blown up train and is covered in blood and ashes. Then another TV crew shows up, which is here to record a protest that is supposed to be going on. Oh, and two of the highest rank men in the Paranoia setting show up, one demanding to proof, once and for all, that the stealth train works, and the other to cover up having never built the train and having embezzled the funds instead. This was also the scene where I got to use this speech, which I found on 4chan of all places. (Slightly modified to fit my game)

Hello, lesser creatures. Look at your lord, now back to me, now back at your lord, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, I've assassinated him in the split second it took you to look between us. Look down, back up, where are you? You're on a ship being commandeered by the pirate king who killed your lord. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have your hand, and I will use it to commit unspeakable acts on those you love. Look again, I've replaced your fingers with hypodermic needles! Anything is possible when your lord smells like hyperdrugs and isn't poisoned. I’m made of spikes.

I ran it: The subway train shows up, and discharges its passengers and a TV crew. Before the players can use their quad-flamethrower again, the warlord of the Chaos fleet, one Screamface Murder vomit, and his chief arcano-engineer Doomhound Filthspew arrive, the first to see is train, the second to hide the missing train and wrangle the players into backing him up that its just really, really stealthy. I also had security team delta and alpha show up, the former to assassinate Screamface and take over in a coup, and the later to defend their liege lord. Finally, during the confrontation, a squad of Dark Eldar warriors show up to assassinate Screamface and take over the ship. Oh, and Molly Uterusbiter, the comms woman the group has been checking in with periodically shows up with a flame thrower to get revenge on the idiots who have cost her her job through their incompetence.

My players: Upon being confronted with a mutli-sided fight, chaos breaks out, with dozens of civilians still milling around. The Heretek decided now was the time to flee, and spend the first two rounds of combat first attempting to climb onto the train, and then to flee into the elevator once Molly was no longer standing in front of it. The Renegade decided to start firing at delta, and the Sorcerer decided the Eldar were the worst threat, but managed to kill them all by throwing an entire belt of grenades. The security teams both unload into the players, but our group quickly discovers that las-guns, even with the best possible damage rolls, simply can't harm a Chaos Space Marine Sorcerer of Nurgle, and the Sorcerer is only finally harmed once I bring out a Meltagun. With Screamface killed, the sorcerer Doomhound begins to summon a demon, but, after discovering that his cyborg arm has a truly catastrophic amount of strength and armor piercing, the Heretek kills him too. Although none of the players are killed, the Dark Eldar did, in fact, cut off the Sorcerers hand, and both he and the Renegade are heavily wounded. Regardless, by the end of the fight, there are at least fifty bodies laying on the platform, and the only survivors are the players.

THE END

As written: The players go to their mission debriefing and, in typical Paranoia fashion, are likely all executed for treason.

I ran it: Another squad of soldiers show up to defend Screamface, and find everyone dead.

The players: The Sorcerer, who after four hours of gaming had already earned a reputation as the guy who immediately claims the glory for any small victory, steps forward and proclaims that as the Dark Eldar lord killed Screamface, and he killed the Dark Eldar lord, the transitive property states that he is now the warlord of the Chaos hordes. This seemed like a funny way to end the session, and so he was immediately proclaimed the warlord and the game ended.

In hindsight, I ran the game about as true to the original as you can without just playing Paranoia, and I still managed to go a full two and a half hours before the player who was running the Sorcerer demanded to know if I was trying to trick everyone into playing Paranoia. I denied it, claiming that I thought Paranoia was a good inspiration for representing 40ks tradition of silly bureaucracy. Regardless, everyone had a great time, and, more importantly, still ended the game thinking this is an ordinary game of Black Crusade. They are already making grand plans on what to do with their new battlefleet, and talking about what sort of gear they are going to demand their servants bestow upon them. I fully plan on letting them have every single piece of equipment they want, and then running a game in which being walking tanks is of absolutely no help whatsoever. After all, Paranoia really works best when you give the players enough rope to choke themselves, and I'll even offer to tie the top.